When You Mix Sleep Deprivation with Self-Hatred: A Stream of Consciousness

Hello! So, where to start... I suck at socializing, and I also hate it. I still don't know which one of the two. Maybe both. It always happens like this: I feel so infuriated with myself, but then, once I sit down to write it down, I go blank. Is my problem non-existent? Is it just all in my head?

Why? You may be asking. Well, I don't know why. I was thinking of pulling off a Socrates on you, but I'll tell you what I do know. I know that I'm awkward and suck at small talk. I know that sometimes I don't know who I am and that other times I hate myself. Maybe I always do. I also know that everyone feels like this, but most people probably don't expose it on the Internet. It's not like anyone is going to read this. I'll probably just put a link on Instagram, and some people will.

Drawing by me ;)

I think that the key to this is the fact that I don't want to be alone, but I simultaneously don't enjoy being around people that much. It always feels like a facade. That's on me, I know, but the truth is I find the 'true me' insufferable and annoying and selfish. I always seem to care more about the work or the learning than the socializing. I should just force myself for my own good, but isn't that ingenuine? Shouldn't I want to socialize? I do like connecting with others, I truly do. I don't hate people; I admire a lot of them for their uniqueness and their quirks, for their style and their smiles, or simply for being who they are. I want to be at their level, so I try to learn as much as I can, but I feel like I never get there because maybe I'm not meant to be with those extraordinary people.

I don't know what I'm doing. I sound like a loser, and I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm playing the victim. I'm just trying to encapsulate my state of mind at the moment.

Well, if you want to read something more amusing, check out my other posts! And to whoever is reading: I hope that you can relate, and feel free to share your thoughts! Bye-bye.

P.S.: This has not been revised thoroughly, it was just my stream of thought. Keep it in mind. Thanks.