I Don't Know What I Want to Be, and That's Okay.

Hello! It's been a while since my last post. I know that I should start posting more art-related content since that's what it says in the headline, but I just can't help but use you as my therapist. If it makes you feel any better, I also use my phone, journal, and... bathroom floor for that too. So, my birthday was on Monday, which means that I'm now something that a lot of people hate and some love — being a year older. Ha! You thought I was going to tell you my age; please.

I feel quite lost, to be honest. I thought that at this age I would be this cool, wise girl who wouldn't still be trying to figure out friendships, hobbies, and what colors look best on her skin. A good example of this is today's overthinking material:

I went out with my friends, and I got into one of these conversations where you end up feeling even more confused than before. The most confusing part was that I started it. We talked about the future and its uncertainties, especially surrounding your career.

I was always that kid who knew what they wanted to do or at least thought they did, in between changing from 'I want to be an English teacher!' to 'I want to be an artist who doesn't sell her art!'. Now, I have no idea. Reality strikes you like lightning, and nothing seems as simple anymore. Should you follow your passion, or should you do something you're simply good at? Should you jump off a cliff to save your mountain goat, or should you just stay with the herd and screw the goat? Ignore the weird metaphor, please; at least now I know I'm not going to be a poet or a shepherd.

I want to think I can do whatever I end up wanting to do, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not special enough to be successful. Maybe I'm just destined to failure, and it doesn't matter how much I try to change that; it won't. Did successful people overthink every single thing? Did they think of being successful? Did they have a victim mentality? I don't think so.

Well, thank you for reading this ramble, and congratulations! You just finished it.